Recovery is going really well :). I've been doing the requisite resting and relaxing. I've been catching up on my book and movie lists. I've been thinking and feeling and allowing. It's been so nice :).
So about the surgery, there ended up being 19 fibroids to remove. We (me and my doctor) opted for the same surgery, a c-section cut down my stomach between my belly button and nether regions. Thankfully they just reopened the previous cut so that my tummy wouldn't have an anchor etched into it :).
This time around it was more painful that I remember and for the first time, I really wondered if I could handle another surgery like this - because there will hopefully be at least one more surgery like this in my life when I have my beautiful baby via c-section. (See how I'm putting my hopes into a visualized future :)). It was *that* painful.
Thankfully, it has subsided substantially and I'm finding myself able to stretch out the time between pain pill doses :). Baby steps. Next week I think I'll even venture a walk through the neighborhood :).
Thinking about my fibroids and how quickly they are growing gets me thinking about what causes them. On a physical level there are a few theories, but no one really knows the true answer. On an emotional level though, I think the conclusions that some people have come to hold a lot of merit. The most common reason I see stated for fibroids is that they hold stress, pent up emotions, unexpressed creativity, and unbirthed ideas. These non-cancerous tumors form to contain all of these things until you are ready to release or express them.
When I think about what that could mean for me, it makes so much sense that it's almost comical. Let me explain. Going back to 4 years ago when my fibroids were first diagnosed, I lived in a sea of stress and had been like that for years. I'd been working so hard and so diligently on my goals that I'd become stagnant. The stress of succeeding and of making my current ideas at the time work was sometimes overwhelming - but I carried it. I soldiered on and I continued to 'fight the fight' to get where I wanted to be. And I definitely wouldn't let myself move forward on new ideas - I had to make the old ideas work.
So it makes sense that my body would ball all of the tension and unexpressed energy in some way to try to protect the rest of me from it. What I mean is that a fibroid can be removed. Cancer for instance is a lot more difficult to remove.
Fast forward to now and I can see again how I'm upleveling to an even lighter space of being. And it fits my current life goals and the stirrings I've been feeling in my soul. I know that I want a baby in my immediate future. I know that I want to live even more freely and creatively. I know that I want my new ideas and urgings to be expressed and nurtured and nourished.
It makes sense then that these last bits of stagnation, frustration, and old ways have positioned themselves to be removed. Interestingly, most of my fibroids were small. In there smallness though, they were still enough to keep an egg from implanting and cause excruciating pain every month. They were enough to get my attention and make me reach out to my doctor and press to find out what was going on. These little blocks were enough to need to be removed.
And now they have been. And I don't plan to squander this beautiful gift.
I'm planning to give myself the time of day I need. I'm planning to be inspired and in wonderment everyday. I plan to make time to make myself smile and feel peaceful, at one, and in sync in whatever form and however many ways that takes.
I plan to move intentionally and to always remind myself that this moment is the most important thing. :).
I'm planning some great content for you that I'll be sending to my email tribe very soon. I'd love for you to receive it. If you are in need of some balance and some inspiration, join us :).
What’s helping me today is realizing that I’m allowing this thing to mean something that ultimately boils down to invalidating me. I’m allowing this occurrence to make me question my value and place the decision maker outside of myself. And although that’s so easy to do, it’s never the right thing to do.
You really have to get to a point in your life where your sense of value is maybe shakable but never breakable.
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