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Viewing entries tagged
personal power

On the sometimes messy road to healing...

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On the sometimes messy road to healing...

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It’s been a little bit of a messy week emotionally. I’ve had some love and I’ve lost some love and the grieving process shook me up (as grieving processes should). I’ve come out of it on the other side though much more intact and a lot more aware and hopefully a little bit more healed. Fingers crossed.

 

What I realized in my self-exploration is that I was still reeling from old hurts I experienced in GRAMMAR SCHOOL. Grammar school dear. Like age 6 to 10. I grew up in a neighborhood where the popular people were mixed, light-skinned and had curly-hair. That still rolls off my tongue with such ease because it was something that I was painfully aware that I was not. My hair was wooly, I was not mixed and even though I was light-skinned, I still somehow got the ugly streak.

 

Now this is my kid-self talking. My adult self of course knows that I was NOT ugly, I was JUST shy and had my step-father been a little better at making me feel adequate, I wouldn’t have quite needed the validation of all of those mean little kids who were acting out their dysfunctions too.

 

So in my current relationship situation, I think I’ve realized what is there to heal at least right now - what the mirror is showing me today. My little girl self is still comparing herself to the light-skinned, mixed, curly-haired girls she went to grammar school with. Maybe not even comparing. Maybe still feeling the most gut-wrenching, despair-filled sense of helplessness and hopelessness because she was not born that way. In her logic, maybe if she’d been born that way, all this other stuff would be different too because surely the light-skinned, mixed, curly-haired girls had it better. On the playground they certainly did.

 

Plus the old stories of withholding affection being a tool of manipulation that causes me to scramble to get and maintain that attention and affection made an appearance as well. Adult Leah is well aware that she doesn’t *need* anyone else’s attention or affection, yet somehow my current situation triggered all of that subconscious reacting as I strove to be patient, understanding and unattached.

 

The one thing I can gladly say is that the Universe never fails me, even when I’m screaming at it. I was guided every step of the way to these revelations. By following my urges, I got the answers I was seeking and I do believe that some profound healing is in the process of unfolding.

 

I know by now that I don’t always have to decipher the whys and that I don’t actually have to do any of the heavy lifting. I just have to ask the questions and be open to hearing and exploring the answers *and then* I have to remember to ask for help.   

 

 

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Who/What are you giving your power to?

I’ve had a few pretty full experiences this week that have given me a chance to explore this theme. Even when it’s tough, I am completely grateful to life for the opportunity to see more of myself and to choose more on purpose (as opposed to default).

 

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Like with my experience this Wednesday when the celebrity makeup artist Robert Jones came to visit Paul Mitchell to teach: this was a perfect opportunity to work through some issues of power, perception and choice.

 

I’m happy to explain :-). If you are just tuning into my world, recently (a little over a month ago), I took a new position as the makeup artist instructor (learning leader) at our local Paul Mitchell cosmetology school. Within the Paul Mitchell system, there is an online makeup academy that the students can enroll in to learn professional makeup skills. Robert Jones created it.

 

So to meet him just a few weeks after starting and getting into teaching his methods was just amazing for me. I have really become the fangirl over the past few weeks as I’ve gone through his course. Besides my makeup classes in esthetics school and what I’ve learned as a cosmetic chemist and holistic makeup artist sharing MOVE Makeup, I’ve had no other formal makeup training. Some of my favorite YouTubers (Wayne Goss anyone?) have been incredibly helpful but an organized, step-by-step program, I have not had. So his program has been gratifying on a number of levels. And then to be charged with the responsibility of helping the students acquire these skills and more - well let’s just say I’m in grateful amazement that I get to do this everyday.  

 

But him coming to the school so soon was also nerve-wracking. What would he think of me? Do I really have the skill level to pass on his trainings to the students? Would he ask to see my portfolio? “Why oh why don’t you have an up-to-date portfolio Leah!!!”

 

And then of course, I wanted to be sure that I gave him some samples of MOVE Makeup to try. I couldn’t miss out on that opportunity.

 

I was also worried about my demeanor and how it comes off sometimes. I’m beyond the point in my life where I try to be overly extroverted when I’m not feeling extroverted, because that’s just too stressful to maintain. But on the other side of that, I tend to fear that I will come off disinterested, too quiet, shy, unengaged. All untrue statements.

 

So I grappled with this up until Wednesday and even on Wednesday. I was in need of some quick mindshifts.

 

There were a few key things I reminded myself of:

  1. Most of this angst is in my mind.

  2. Apparently a whole bunch of somebodies believe in me or else I wouldn’t be here.

  3. I have tons of proof that my makeup line is awesome and loved by many.

  4. I have tons of proof that *I* am awesome and loved by many.

  5. Even if the absolute worst thing happens, I’ve survived other absolute worst things and I’ll survive this one.

  6. The absolute worst thing usually never happens.

  7. I am an adult doggone it. I’ve paid my dues. I’ve graduated to full adulthood. I get to act like one and expect others to treat me like one. (For some reason, I tend to remind myself of this often.)

 

So how did the day go? I’ll admit, I had some awkward moments. I was left feeling out of place at certain points, unsure of what I *should* be doing. But for the most part, it was an amazing day. I had some teary-eyed moments to myself even, contemplating the pure miraculousness of what I was getting to experience. I couldn’t have created this storyline of being a makeup instructor in a million years. It was nowhere on my radar and I had NO idea how fulfilling it would be.

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And that evening, when my ego tried it’s best to scare me into not taking another courageous act ever again in life, I pulled out a favorite ego circumventor, what if.

 

Yes, Robert Jones could think my makeup is crap, BUT what if he thought is was the absolute bomb-diggy?

 

Yes, Robert Jones could have thought that I was a dull, nitwit (like the arrogant CEO of Eminence who swore that I was lying about being a chemical engineer - a story for another day), BUT what if he thought I was brilliant, had the perfect amount of poise and energy to motivate and connect with the students, and had every confidence that I am the perfect person to trailblaze new heights with the academy?

 

Yes, everyone could have thought I made all the wrong decisions and was painfully awkward that day, BUT what if everyone thought I was a rockstar, especially that day?

 

The What if game is POWERFUL. The little bit of space it creates in your mind for a pause automatically results in a rise, even if you just vibrate a hair higher and feel a tiny bit lighter and less burdened.

 

I encourage you to try it the next time you have a day of being outside of your own comfort zone :).


Upcoming Makeup Class!

I'll be teaching a small group makeup class next Monday! We will cover how to do a natural Daytime makeup look without looking overdone and how to take that look to a Nighttime Date night look. This class is great for professional women who want to wear makeup and have that polished, together look but NOT look like a drag queen or Instagram model (not that those aren't beautiful looks!). Perfect if you are new to makeup as well. Everyone will have the option to purchase a MOVE Makeup Sweatproof & Natural Starter Kit as well. Introductory Price: $40 w/MOVE Makeup kit: $65

If you want to register, click here to message me and reserve your spot. Limited spacing - only 5 slots available! 


Ready to be Audacious?

I have a new Facebook group for women that are audaciously falling in love with themselves and their lives and burning away everything that is standing in the way of that. Won't you join us? 




 

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